Laying to waste my heart and soul…

For just over a year now, I’ve been working through a separation from my husband. It has been an interesting journey so far. It’s the fine line between urgently moving forward to where I’m being led and poof 25 years lay behind, never to repeat. The fact that I truly love this man and I see his sorrow which he can’t accept exists and still knowing in my heart that I must move forward. If there was ever to be an opportunity for us to be together, with certainty, we would have to be apart.

What causes the human heart to finally put a stop to painful and unhealthy habits? What causes an epiphany? What is the catalyst for progression, and how do we achieve this without aggressive and hateful behavior? Well, I certainly didn’t know at 1st, but I’m learning. In the process, I have laid waste to my heart and soul.

To be honest, I was hoping to achieve this without damaging my soul further or his. I have so much love for him and I was blessed to spend most of the time we had, doing what we did. But alas, if you are building a new home for your heart, most likely, it won’t fit on the left over foundation so you have to rip that out too. Laying waste to rebuild. It makes sense when it comes to physically tearing down a house and starting from scratch on top of the turned soil with everything scraped away. Why does it sound overbearing and scary when we think of the one we have built inside of our soul.

One obvious answer is that the one we live in is just a roof over our head, no matter what we attach to it why we are there. Our logical brain can come to that conclusion. There is so much value put on the concrete, walls, doors and windows that technically, most don’t actually own. The bank owns most homes, we tend to find a false sense of security because we call it owning, but for most, that is not the case. It’s just a thing after what had made it apart of a home is torn away.

There is a famous saying: “Home is where the heart is”, might there be another meaning to this phrase? What if it was someone who found that the people inside the house had lost something in life they didn’t think mattered or didn’t know was gone, is the heart gone? The 4 walls become just that and with the heart gone from this physical space, where does it go? Is this house no longer a home? And where is the heart, where is it’s home?

I found my home within my heart. I found that all the protection I needed outside of a barrier between the environment and me was a safe place for my heart, a home. How did I do it? There are many different motivational ways, phrases, feel good shit I could say, but the truth is, it was a process. I did have a moment that began the process, it was a moment when I was looking at my husband one night, wondering how he got to where he was. I saw the part I played and wondered how I/we missed it. The next morning, my mothers voice was in my head, telling me it was time. It was my time to be the woman I was meant to be. I’m grateful to her for getting my head and my heart where I need her, but why is it that there are no instructions. Seriously. Her soul could connect to me and tell me to simply get on the right path, but nothing more? Ha! The times that I reflect on that moment, I giggle. Hindsight is the only vision of life that is 20/20, I have always known this, lead others through it, but it didn’t even cross my mind! As the process of which I speak, I have resigned myself to keep my heart a home and the time it takes to happen, is just that, time. And sometimes, to my chagrin, it takes as much time as necessary for me to grow and learn. Trusting time is a hard thing to do. Trusting that it is passing at the pace it needs to for me to create my tools and build my foundation,

So, what happened next? That’s a story for another day. Don’t worry, all of my posts so far are building blocks for Cognizant Reconstruction, including the building of the business itself. For now, I want to finish the idea of regrowth. A prime example is Yellowstone park.

In 1988 an intense fire swept through the countries largest National Park. Over 790,000 acres were burned and scarred. Up until this time, with the population booming in this country and so much importance was being placed on open spaces, it seemed a tragedy. Which in many ways it was as some thought. But what followed changed the way that government involved fire fighting was approached. These changes are still being studied and evolving. As humans, we get so wrapped up in our own importance that we can’t see the forest for the trees (so to speak). We forget that nature has taken care of itself much longer than we have since we took over the responsibility of doing so, as if we could fight against it and bend it to our will. Yellowstone was our first big clue that we couldn’t control everything, and the first big clue that maybe we shouldn’t be in charge. Nature did it’s work and what happened for the 10 years following was nothing short of magical. Within months, hardier and healthier trees and plants began to regrow in the scorched earth. In the 1960’s, it had been decided that suppressing forest fires was better for nature, shortly before the fires of 1988, a new policy was adopted that reduced suppression. They were approaching firefighting under what they called controlled conditions. Although the policy was in force, more than 125 million dollars was spent in fighting the fires. The property damage only totaled about 3 million dollars. The fire was interesting for another fact. The fires jumped and skipped about. They destroyed some areas with intense heat and fast moving flames, Other areas had what was called ground fires that didn’t burn as intensely and hardier species survived intact. Some areas were jumped over and had no damage save the smoke damage, but they are plants and trees and theres nothing like a large dose of CO2 to bring happiness to the hearts of the survivors. The other interesting fact about the fires, was the judgement and blame and arguments of the media and officials and how much anger and disarming behaviors by others that weren’t even involved. It was somewhat shocking, the polarization and opposing views. Everyone on all sides felt they knew better, thought they were right and only their opinion mattered. Which is silly really, because Nature was in charge and she was taking the lead on the job. She was laying waste to exactly what she wanted. She salvaged what was necessary and everyone else was going to have to deal with it.

What does Yellowstone’s infamous fire have to do with our hearts? During our lifetime, we have ground fires that scar the earth but much survives, sometimes we are surrounded by destruction but left unscathed and sometimes we are surprised by the total decimation of what we were, nothing of the old survives, only seeds (like DNA) with reminders of what once was, with the hope of starting over. The old is gone and with it the disease and worn tissue are gone too. The choices and decisions that were not healthy(?)…gone. They helped lay the ground work, they fed our desire for a rebirth. Laying waste to the heart and soul is done by destruction, precise destruction on what must burn down only to be the groundwork and food for the regrowth. The breaking and burning is in the form of decisions and choices by ourselves and others, once we are there, left with scorched earth, it is very easy to see the seeds that are scattered but humbly ready to work. We are left to scatter them,where the nutrients left by the lessons of the past can feed and support the new growth. We can now forge stronger, hardier, more beautiful growth in a place that is strengthened and learned from the past.

This is one of the reasons that I don’t like to judge others. When we meet, I know not what phase of growth or regrowth they are in, hell, they might be in the middle of the fires or destruciton as we speak. I only know they are on a journey and I like to see the possibilities that lie ahead for all of us. I am still burning and planting as I stand now. I have made mistakes involving others even during what I consider an intense and powerful growth period (some call it mid life crisis, HA!) Trusting others and myself is a daily struggle sometimes. They might be my next fire (had one of those recently) or my next seed( thank god, I’ve been blessed with many of these). I am open to all possibilities and eager to learn and evolve. Plus, it is mighty humbling to acknowledge the fact that I may play a part in their growth, I would love to be the one that plants a seed, not the one that lays waste to their fields, but who am I to decide what destroys their fields, I can only be open and honest and they will make of that what they will. Cognizant Reconstruction is as simple as it is complex, so much to accept and learn, but the work itself is simple. It may be long and it may have many moments of failure and loss, but if you have the seeds, they will grow and if you let your nature nurture, they will rise from the ashes and be absolutely perfect, even in their imperfections. The beauty will surprise us sometimes. Accept those moments that you or others feel weak or scorched, you never know what seeds will take hold unless you are willing to destroy the diseased ones and nurture the new ones. Be open and accepting of those around us and embrace the possibilities of today. But more importantly, accept and love yourself, for the past holds the tools to build your new foundation and rise from the ashes more beautifully than ever before. And don’t fear the mistakes or trials, for they are what pops open the healthy new seeds that free our heart and soul and allow them to grow into simply what ever you can allow them too.

Cheers to the fire within you, Let it burn

Nikki

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