I write. I write with pencils, I write with pens. Specific pens and pencils, the ones that feel good in my hands. I write in journals or on paper towels. Since a few people have suggested that I build my About Me page, I have been reading. I’ve been reading the scratch marks in my journals, I’ve touched the pages where I write the things I might not say out loud. I write the things I should say and sometimes I do. My journals aren’t necessarily designed to be read, sometimes they get burned, sometimes they get cut apart and glued to picture frames, sometimes I let others read, but mostly they are written, they are a time piece of that moment and I move on. There are those pages that I keep, the ones that mark moments in my life that forever alter my direction and my heart. These pages, I occasionally visit to see how I’m doing. I look to see if there are heartaches that I have healed from, if there are successes that I can enjoy again, I look back to learn again where I am going. Sometimes, I surprise myself, because sometimes I achieve the growth I was looking for.
This excerpt is directly from my journal that I filled in September 2017 while staying in the Mission district in San Francisco….
“As I sit here in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the morning rounds in The Mission, I find my heart at peace and my mind insulated with a with a calm blanket. It’s been many years since I felt this feeling. The last was the night my mother died. Almost 6b years ago I had said goodbye to the days of having her touch me, look mi in the eye and hear her voice tell me everything was ok with the world.
As I start journaling again, I was open to whatever poured out, but I didn’t expect it to go there, at least not so soon. On an impulse, i bought a ticket to San Francisco that popped up on a travel app…. $106 roundtrip. In the midst of what some call my mid life crisis, I feel overwhelmed with the desire to evolve. Everyone talks about change, I view change as what is occurring when life happens without assistance from choice. Time and experience change us and the world around us,Sometimes with change, we experience tremors in our belief systems and our foundation becomes unstable. As I sit at Tartine in the mission, I realize that I don’t choose change, it chooses me. I can either fight tooth and nail against it or I can use it to evolve. Evolve in to my purpose and my power. I choose evolution. So as I am on ‘walk about’, I won’t will a change in spirit but quietly let the changes inspire my spirit to evolve.
One can’t live like this everyday… in the peace. The world, the daily responsibilities can’t be ignored so that we can eat fine french buns and drink fabulous coffee without some time makin’ a buck. But by using these moments as tools for our evolution, we can more easily move through daily tasks at peach with the heart.
Heirloom tomatoes, local mozzarella, Italian style local prosciutto and local fragrant basil…. doused in imported balsamic and freshly ground pepper. The simplicity and ease when put together the delicate textures as you consume a combination of each and explosion of flavor and depth of taste… there is no reason why we can’t add this food and or at least the experience to each day. For the first time that I can remember since I don’t remember, I was still… and thinking of absolutely nothing. As I came out of my stupor I realized what had happened and was wondering if despite not remembering thoughts going through my mind, there surely must of been. What was I, a guy? For a moment I struggled to think of what I could have been thinking about, and then I realized it didn’t matter, what mattered is that fact that I have a moment in time where I wasn’t bombarded with anything, not even me. I had a moment in time where absolutely nothing noteworthy or worrisome happened, no one needed me to do something for them. I’m sitting here, drinking a bottle of wine, eating fresh food and enjoying every moment without even thinking. I think of a yoga pose I will be studying more intently now, that will be Shavasana… I may start right now, here in the shade, on this deck, surrounded by honeysuckle….
Old faded photos litter the floor as I touch each one with delicate wonder, I long to have been there, in that time. I see her, still young with questioning, wondrous, bright blue eyes, not a worry in the world. I struggle to feel that feeling again. And here I am in San Francisco feeling exactly like that. Not every moment, but a large dose of not giving a fuck. I look everyone in the eye, I say hello to almost everyone that connects and it’s is amazing how their worried eyes change. They smile back some get a spring in their step. Some stop and talk for any where from a brief “how’s your day”, to a 3 hour lunch and coffee attended by half a life story. And during each connection, I find myself accepting my role in life again, embracing what I had come to resent these last few years.
Every person on this street that I walk has a story. They have felt joy, heartache, and everything in between. Who am I to deny them a place of comfort and someone to share with. As I listen, my heart becomes full again and expands beyond it’s borders, and my roots begin to dive deeper into the earth. I begin to feel the strength to rejoin my place in the world that I have been hiding from. Not necessarily others, for that is all that I have done, but I’ve been unknowingly hiding from me and my world.
From coffee to making breakfast and lunches for Vinny, to work, to errands, shopping, paying bills, dads house to clean, gather mail and papers, back to work, pick up Vinny, I’ve always seemed to have as much time as I need to accomplish daily tasks and for what I need, but I have slowly closed myself off. Off from myself and the me I was meant to become. I take pride in the fact that I’ve always accepted what life brought me, accepted my role in the success of others. As a cultivator of happiness….for others, a support system so to speak. I do love that role. Now, as I come into my 48th year today, I can’t deny the urge to live the life I was born to live. I wonder how to do this. I desire to know how to be the mother, wife, the goddess, the sexual me, the intellectual me, the free me all at the same time. This is what brought me here, I am consoled knowing I am capable and willing to listen to my heart, it lead me here. Everything fell into place, the ticket notification, the room I didn’t book until the day before I came because I knew that I wanted to stay in the Mission District and until then nothing had shown up. The willingness to let a few things fall to the wayside, the guiltless feeling of letting someone else be in charge while I’m away, the contentment I felt when leaving my husband and my son to their own devices. The understanding that I’m not the only one with big girl britches that can be put on. How easy it was to leave everything behind for this journey with absolutely no guilt. The complete and utter commitment from the 1st moment my heart said “let’s go”. It was as necessary as it was simple. I can look to that moment as if it’s as important to my evolution as the moments I am finding here. It will be a moment that defines this time in my life. That moment I had no hesitation to move forward and go where I am lead. I am very glad it’s San Fran, a piece of my heart was already here waiting for me.”
To be continued…..