Verve Coffee, 24th and Mission
It was in yoga this morning that I was listening to the instructor begin class with the same invite to set an intention that almost every instructor does at the beginning of any yoga class. Here I am in a class, I know no one, no one knows me, I am here for whatever, to learn whatever. I was open. The folks around me, friendly and open. She led us through an opening sequence of breathing and movement to warm our muscles before continuing the practice. She spoke of how in each class she attended the instructor would speak of taking what we practice on the mat to practicing it in life. She then spoke 4 words, that I have heard many times, but here I am, wondrously wandering the city alone and feeling very open to everything around me, and she says “Lead with your heart”. At that moment, I was open, my body opened, my mind quieted, my heart…it opened. I wept on and off throughout class, feeling my heart untie it’s knots and free itself from the hostage situation I had placed it in. I will probably not remember 1 pose or movement or any other thought from class today, but I know, at this moment and all those that follow, that the sense of release and humility that I felt this morning within this group of strangers will forever be apart of my mind and my heart.
The fact that I removed myself from my life temporarily, is proof that I want my life to be fantastic and fulfilling. I want my life to be infused with what lies in my heart. I want to enjoy more of the moments that have become mundane. For within the necessary tasks of each day, lies a heart that when followed, each day allows for the opportunity to spread my wings with each breath and make memories of joy and happiness.
(My last day, I am skipping the previous day because it’s a story in and of it’s own. The day I met Ken and got a tattoo. Look for that at a later date on the blog.)
As I walked to yoga this morning through Mission, Valencia, then Delores Park and Castro, I found my joy was related to the movement of my body through the streets before sunrise. I felt my aches and pains releasing out of the soles of my feet and my body felt light. I am relating it to my evolution of senses. How many times do I let my movement take me somewhere without my connection to it. I will be more aware of my gratitude for my movement and add many more moments of joy and the sensation of being light. I am carrying that home with me.
Tomorrow night I go home. I am not sad, I feel that I have received what I didn’t know I came here for. I am excited to take what I am learning about myself for what it is and continue to infuse what I can into my daily life as to not scare my friends anymore. They have been witness to my unraveling. I have said yes to everything save Oscar. There are things and people that I thought were side notes on my journey leading up to this trip and here in Mission, that I am now realizing are actually crucial catalysts to my movement forward. Sparks, lighting a fire beneath me, gently and some not so gently, moving me upward and outward driving me to be myself openly. I return home to my son, who will be my focus for the next 6 years, and I do this with a grounded sense of who I am. A secure feeling rests within me that I can now move into my life as I am. I am a mother, I am a wonderer, I am a dreamer, I am a woman with the spirit and power of a dragon, I am a gentle movement…like a wave that moves so much with energy that seems light, but it is not. The effects of my movement will assist not only my evolution but that of others as they allow. That is not up to me. I move into my path with intent and increasing desire to make a difference in my life as well as others. For so long I’ve done that, without an intent for myself, but now, my evolution is in progress and I will do what is necessary to facilitate healthy grounds for the continual growth of my soul.
These days, immersed in the Mission has solidified my resolve. I’m sure the backlash will seem endless, but I know I’m on the right path and when the coming storm moves out, the air will be clear. Aaron was almost a side note on this journey and that speaks for itself. I will listen. I do long for his happiness but do so knowing I’m not responsible for it. With my resolve to trust where my mothers hand has and will lead me, I become cognizant of my growth as well as those around me. I truly love the life I’ve lived, the memories I’ve made and the love I think he has for me. I hope to accept his perspective look at our life, understanding that it may be very different than mine. Where that takes me, I know not. I think I should be sad or afraid, but I am not. I will not question that. I find the power of me as a woman that controls ann stifles the fire beneath, unused and unseen, at least I thought so. We work to successfully raise independent, honest, humble children and keep the excitement and support of a husband. I thought that if I can use just my logic to do so, that it would be easier, not ever noticing that because of that fire in my soul, I had the strength to do so without loosing me, but never took advantage of it. Imagine my surprise. Now, how do I wield that power in all of my relationships in a way that allows me to see more clearly. I am excited about these lessons to come. To be humble and amazingly me at the same time. A resolve to bring my body back to health by strengthening the mental, emotional and spiritual sides that make up me.
Soon, I will return to my room at Ellen’s home, my gracious host, another teacher I was blessed and destined to meet and pack my bag for home. I’m good with that. I love this city, the people and my tattoo. Totally broke, but not giving a damn. I know Aaron is struggling to understand me right now, but I have faith. I not only want to be an example to my children, but maybe him. Many of the things I love about Aaron are the things that weigh heavily on him. I pulled a rug right out from underneath him months ago and I know that can be confusing, it doesn’t change reality, just where we are looking at it from. But I hope his awareness grows, but again, that is not up to me. I can’t make that happen, only hope it can be done without it getting ugly. That’s probably to much to ask. Ugh. A daily reminder I have clung to for years, is that “life may be ugly but my existence is not. ” That’s a keeper in the upcoming times in my life. I am free to build joy at any moment, any time, and I lay action to my day with that intent.
In my week of yes’, that I now realize has actually been 5 months of yes’ for me. I just hadn’t thought it was appropriate, selfish and all. I have found that the inner self must express itself. It’s like a vacuumed space, pressurizing, possibly waiting for the rest of the psyche to catch up. Until the desire to expand into the universe out of the vacuum can no longer be put on hold, then, well, then this. This, where I am at, feeling my way through options and choices. This.
I am so grateful for this time in San Francisco. My quiet mind lays my path out in front of me. Everyone in the place of unease and possibly misery asks “where do we go from here?” I find this question useless, because the days come and go. What these dark places offer us is a resolve to move into the next day and practice what our hearts are telling us to fulfill. It’s just practicing these joyful things that assist us in the movement forward within that joy. That is enough. Practicing is enough.
I must go now. Forward. Finish my coffee and go forward.