I’m off. I’m headed out to places I’ve been led to and continue preparing for my the Retreat that will make my way to where I am supposed to be. I realized this morning that it must seem crazy, but there is a sense of urgency ( yet I am not anxious) and timing that must be kept to. It’s weird if you look at the life I have chosen, where I have been, the choices I have made to make each situation work out the best I could and I did. I always knew that I would expand at some point but I kept my eye on the ball so to speak, and one day I just woke up and felt my wings itching to get out of the home I had tucked them away in. It was if my mother was holding my hand and dragging me out….out of my mind and into my heart. Like she was edging the door to my heart open so that my wings could spread and breath and stretch and find their proper place. I am a logical, practical person, and I was there, waiting…. waiting for the moment that I could allow both my logic and my dreaming heart to converge into the powerful but gentle movement forward. It feels both….powerful and gentle. It just feels right. Who am I to argue.
Sometimes when I am alone, I wonder why I am not afraid, why my boundaries are so set and I keep moving forward to the next step that opens to me. It seems so out of character considering my life has been serving the purpose of others and now I am serving the life ahead of me. I feel no fear of failure. I know there will be moments that I will and yet I welcome the experience that will take me one more step forward yet again. Like I have mentioned before, I’m moving forward and if I fail, I am now at least failing forward. I keep doing the work and I keep moving forward. I wonder why it has been so easy. With the challenges and heartache in my life at this moment, why is it so easy. I don’t question for long because I feel the joy and expansion of the movement and I keep following my heart and it hasn’t failed me. I should doubt the possibilities of having things go smoothly, but it is as if I was anticipating this all of my life and it seems so natural to move to that. I should doubt the success of my 1st retreat, but for some reason I trust that the people that need it will find it. I should question my spending so much money on something so new, and yet I trust it will be. I trust that even if it isn’t hugely successful this August financially, that it is still necessary and is the growth of the seed that has been planted and I am the one responsible for it’s nurturing and growth. And I have not doubts. I question that sometimes and yet I am in a simple place of understanding that there aren’t any and I will not be held responsible for making them up and failing to them.
So, today, I am off on wherever this step takes me. I am open and I am willing. And I am soooooo excited, because of all the things I could be doing this Mothers Day weekend, I am going and my Mother is with me. I look forward to Monday when I return, my Peonies will be blooming along side my Iris and I will revel in the memories of how my Mother and I obtained them. I will watch the bees touch their sweet juices and I will smell the fragrance carried on the breeze. A little ‘night farming’ can go along way if what is reaped is nurtured and cared for physically and never without the heart.
I’ve made a habit of not having responsibilities on Mothers day and my Birthday each year. My mother always told me that I need to take time for myself during each year to care for my heart. I spend my days in motherhood, being a wife and worldly responsibilities, and I will never last being good at those things that matter if I don’t take time to refill the coffers within my heart and rest my mind. This year is the first I’ve not needed to plant a garden since I will not be in the house for the harvest, so after working Friday and Saturday to fill vacancies for the retreat, Sunday I will be getting my garden tattoo closer to finished. My mothers garden on my arm is once again growing and blooming.