Recalling a lesson in Judgement

As I am in the nitty gritty of preparing for Cognizant Reconstructions Open Heart retreat in Folsom, I came across an entry in my Journals from March of 2017 when my journey towards this dream and  circumstance scratched it way to the surface. And now look at me, still believing it will all come to fruition. And as I should be doing what seems more important, I have yet another ah-ha moment. Like we do when we keep moving forward and embrace the past at times to be aware of how far we have come.

As I wasn’t aware at the time that my soul was searching to find it’s way to the surface, I read this now, looking for the information that will connect the dots for the workshops in this retreat. And on some pages of my many filled journals, I found something.

A trip to Orlando Florida to see my daughter play her pre season games of College Softball. I hadn’t seen her but for the holidays since she started College. In a weeks time, I watched her and her team play 12 softball games and was able to spend a few hours of quality time getting to know the families and folk that have been her influences as of late.

I had 1 day after the team left to myself after the team left town, and I had been wondering where I would go to achieve my love the local life desire.

This is what I found.

Journal Entry:

Celebration Florida, March 12, 2017

A lesson in Judgement. I have enjoyed my time hear in Orlando Florida but so far with a closed mind. I don’t like the drinking water, I don’t like the tourists, I din’t like the fact there was nothing un “touristy” or local. Where do locals go to be away from Disney? From Tourists? I thought it all bizarre. But here I am, 1 mile from Disney Central in a whole other world. I happened upon this little neighborhood while in search of a perfect Cuban sandwich after finding out my favorite shop where I used to get it, was gone….closed….torn down and outlet stores put up where I used to drink  house made Sangria from a plastic cup and the best Cuban sandwich I had ever had. I asked the host I was staying with and he had some great suggestions for all my other food adventures, but the Cuban was a mystery. I found a Spanish Restaurant named Columbia that touted the best Cuban….go figure. I did indeed love the cuban and got some take home Sangria, a very nice start. The Columbia was tucked away in a little neighborhood not far away from the home I am staying in. So as it happens in my life. Luck.

I was so excited after leaving Champions Gate last night. It was beginning of my alone time. After 9 days consumed with Softball and the team, I can sit quietly and spend quality time with myself which I am feeling more and more necessary for my sanity. I have just this day and wasn’t sure if I could find the elusive local coffee shop in a sea of Starbucks and Duncan Donuts buried in the $1.99 Florida and Disney T-shirt shops. So this morning my plan was to visit the neighborhood around the Columbia. I was pleasantly surprised to find not only a great coffee shop, but a farmers market! Every sunday from 9-3, year round, how awesome is that. I found a collection of retirees that widdle wood, and quilt makers and young bakers and talented artists. Shortly after I parked I sat by the little lake that the town surrounds. I was making a plan: would it be eat, coffee, dessert, market? or market, coffee, dessert, eat….

I watched 2 young boys with a net, 2 fishing rods and a 5 gallon bucket a 2 big smiles on their faces. They were wandering the edges of the lake, tossing the net in, pulling it out, collecting tiny fish, tossing them in the bucket. This must be the bait bucket. Calm, collected, in no hurry at all in the collection process.  Maybe a little anxious to get to the bridge where the actual fishing ritual takes place. I immediately felt the relaxation of the acts and thought to myself that I didn’t want to miss out on the actions of true childhood ever again. I’ve been conditioned to believe that theses moments within myself had been wiped clean like a piece of slate at the end of the school day. It was reminiscent of Huckleberry Finn. Right here, I block form tourist hell. Then around me the casual greetings of the locals “Well, good morning Sharon, lookin’ good, what are your plans today, Tennis?” “Are you getting Mikes strawberries today?” Sharon, on her Jazzy scooter with rackets aboard, heading toward the courts. A book exchange, chemical free insect repellant, least we forget the Zeka virus nearby. The pace is slow and casual  and the banter matches it perfectly. Even the tourists are sucked into it. MAJOR slow down, even with the sound of HWY 192 in the background. For the 1st time in years, my mind is in tune with my soul and my body. Comfortable. Tomorrow I arise early and return home, return to work, to my livelihood and motherhood.  Many of the things that make me who I am. Today, I revel in the peach and joy of part of me I want to return too, the one I will add back into the equation.

End of Entry.

Well, there it is, the moment I didn’t see at the time, but I felt it. I returned home and I acted on it. Within a week of returning, I announced to my spouse my desire to grow and to do it alone. I hit the trail, and since then?  I’ve been moving, jumping, failing, falling, running, meditating and exercising better practices of communication and dedication to those around me as well as myself. And the best part of all of this? The practice. Every day since, I practice. I am truly trusting the work. I love where I am going, no matter the jagged shaky foundation that is just now beginning to shore up. No matter the things still unresolved, the question as to how this retreat will actually occur, I am here….moving forward. Damn. Being Cognizant, beginning the reconstruction. My seed of Cognizant Reconstruction… wow.

Now I’m in a place where I have to follow through with the 1st big step in my business. No more resources except to keep reaching out to find the people that want to join me. I was then as I am now, ready to keep meeting myself with an open heart.

So much love and acceptance to you today, and for me, this journey and the wish to all to love yourself,

Nikki

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