I return to a place filled with memories and the gravity that has supported me almost all of my life. One year ago this week, I was here. I traveled alone to let go of what pain and misunderstandings I still had with the call of the wild within me. I sat in a place that has always brought me comfort and clarity. I took a journal that I had filled the months preceding my visit here and I read the words. As I read, I took in the information of where I had been, what I had done and then slowly allowed myself to feel, accept…and then let go. Let go of whom and what I thought would understand and support me. I burned pages, one after another; listened to a playlist that expressed everything I was feeling and began to free myself from the anger I didn’t even realize existed. I became partners with my Ego and began to shed something I didn’t even think I had a relationship with, but I did, I just hadn’t really put a finger on how my empathetic self was to not only feel, but understand my expression of anger. I was still. I was both reflecting and reflective. I began to accept how this was related to the ME that was dying and I began to celebrate the rebirth and the transformation ahead. I had questions and doubts.
Aside from that, what I was feeling within in was more powerful and laid to rest both. It negated my fear and restless mind. It calmed my spirit and melded it with those that have traveled this road before, and there are many. I knew not what lay ahead and had nothing but serenity with the observable truth that everything that I can feel, believe and create would at some point manifest itself within this world of tangible form.
Since that day one year ago, my energy flow has continually formed and flowed within and from the heart. I begin relating to an element that I tended to fear. Water begins to balance my fire. From this place I continue to build a foundation of tangible truths that I cannot deny nor tuck away.
The rabbit hole visits have been numerous, but each visit there has brought me insight to my darkest corners and fears. Yes, I have fears. This has been my most recent enlightenment. With the spirit ever near me, I embrace each and every action. It is easy to take responsibility of my karma. It is easy to accept my dharma. Through all of my interactions, I full heartedly embrace my part I play and the hurt I cause with my growth and yet no longer carry the fear of leaving behind old habits and negative thoughts, I begin to see the beauty in all and the relationship to all, even that which I am letting go of. My empathy grows, my vision becomes clearer. I see better than I have into souls since I was much younger and was barely trying to grasp what it was I had and how I was to use it. Oddly enough, so much of what I have learned has come from a few select souls that for whatever reason, I cannot read. I have what seems to me at this point, an odd attraction to these people. A sense of relief and wonderment I cannot find elsewhere. I feel it a trap at the bottom of a rabbit hole and unable to see where it takes me and still I go. Nowhere. It usually takes me nowhere. But I practice, because there have been some souls of late that keep appearing in my life. I am open to learning, but haven’t yet found what I should be learning. So I keep practicing while I deal with impatience. Ugh.
Inspiration came not only from my voice, my angels, my mother, but also from those around me. Specifically from those that were choosing not to be apart of what might be called insanity. If sane is what society says is acceptable, then yes, I was working on my insanity. In the modern world, it is difficult to accept that we are all the same in our imperfection, yet so many accept what society has deemed as perfect. Perfection lies only in evolution and progression, it does not have an essence of its own. To have empathy and love for those that can’t see what I embrace and move forward with, and hold nothing against them for not being apart of what I consider a most wondrous evolution of my spirit and being…this becomes crucial to my own understanding of self and others as well. Brene Brown mentions in Braving the Wilderness that “We cannot be brave in our life and our work with out disappointing others.” May I add that we can no longer be disappointed when another is being Brave in their life, or even if they are not.
For me, this was my movement towards a more comfortable space within this realm of worldly expectations. I can no longer have them, not of anyone else and not of myself. No reliance on the end game. No more fear attached to failure. No more needing an explanation of what they think I am doing wrong, no more allowing what they wish for me to impress upon what my Dharma says I should be. The biggest growth for me has come with embracing and respecting where we all are in our journey and not expecting understanding from any of our expectations. I expect nothing and embrace everything.
Of course as humans, we stray back and forth along the paths before us. We can’t be perfect, even in our understanding, our acceptance. But again, perfection lies within our imperfections. They(imperfections) are a beautiful result of growth, they diminish as we practice the new, but then the next horizon brings the new imperfections and we grow through those, yada yada yada.
We can never learn everything and be perfect. But we can be perfect in our growth, evolution, learning, and cognizance and then flow into acceptance. That is what is beautiful. The potential for growth and the understanding there is not an all knowing place, maybe just the excitement and whole hearted acceptance of learning the next thing. Loving even more our world, community and self. That is beautiful.
I have no end game. I do however have beautiful souls moving in and sometimes out of my life on a very peculiar daily basis. This past few weeks has almost been overwhelming in the synchronicities with others and the kismet of moments. Just as the few weeks surrounding my first Open Heart Findaway retreat . Moments I can’t explain only respect and desire to experience again and again. My plan is to do just that. But what is a plan really, just an idea that will probably move us forward to an undetermined location or place within the heart and soul that is ready to reveal itself and it’s knowledge. Leading us again into a new space of learning.
So what tools have I acquired since my visit here one year ago? A sense of what it is like to nurture my own soul. Security, increased creativity, child-like enthusiasm, passion, ambition, renewed determination have accompanied me on this messy, almost upended journey of self. I am appreciating my own Dharma and embracing the Dhuka that is always visiting my mind and my journey. Forgiveness of others, for they are living their Dharma and I shall not judge except with discernment. Forgiveness of my judgment of self and the misunderstandings between my heart and mind, I work to accept also. I truly spend more time cognizant of my acceptance and I continually work at keeping it present. My consciousness can guide my unconscious mind to a healthier existence.
So today I feel the gravity and grounded sense of my roots furrowing deeper into the earth and into my heart. I embark on my continual journey with a renewed sense of an open heart and how this guides my thoughts, my mind, my soul to more wild adventures with the universe and its energies that help balance and also create more willingness towards acceptance and effortless joy.